Log in

No account? Create an account

What the Hell is Wrong With Me?

So, I haven't written on here in, oh... a year. The ads were getting to be too much and I was mostly on FB anyway so I just stopped popping on here. Over the last year lots has happened, but I've found myself feeling fairly isolated from the people that really matter to me. I happened to pop on here out of sheer curiosity RE: the people I used to keep in touch with every day and I started realizing how much I've shut myself out of the world.

Things have been fairly odd lately, not bad odd, not good odd, just... weird. For the most part, my life is amazing. I'm going back to school in a few weeks, I have a full time job that I actually enjoy that I will be able to keep while starting back in school, I moved into my own snazzy ~110 yr old apartment (although it's in the ghetto in Vallejo), things are good. Things are so good, in fact, that I have nothing better to do than wallow in my own misery. Okay, that's a little excessive, I'm not wallowing, but I've been finding it harder and harder to shake myself out of the little rut I've dug myself into in the last month.

I can't quite figure it out, I've tried dating (boring), I've started reading again (less boring, except I'm forcing myself to read things I haven't read like Faulkner which aren't exactly easy reads... effing shotgun blasts of words on a page and it's up to the reader to decipher), I started spoiling my cats with wet food (boring and stinky)... my life feels bland. So, here I am, trying to reconnect with the people that make me the happiest (and the handful of other people that might have started reading this thing at some point).

Hi guys, I miss you. A lot.

My birthday is tomorrow and I could give a shit about celebrating. In fact, I'm incredibly bummed about the whole situation. And stressed. I wanted to call the whole thing off a couple weeks ago, but since I'm the one who was wanting to have the party I don't want to just cancel it on the few people that were planning on showing up... but I'm not feeling celebratory. In fact, I feel very hermit-like. I started realizing I've been letting all sorts of "fluff" people involved in my inner-circle and it was cutting out the people who actually matter to me. So, I'm in the process of culling the herd. Too many people taking up too much of my mental processing time. I'm all sensitive and shit. Really.

Will try to put more on here more. It was nice catching up with all of you (whether you knew I was catching up with you or not LOL)

Craigslist Letters

I'm not sure if I mentioned it on here as I always forget I have friends on here that are not on Facebook with me, but I moved my random Craigslist fun to a different journal. You can find it at phoame.blogspot.com :)

At last a marriage proposal I can trust...

Hello my fellow LJ readers (and the rest of you too)

Today I have found an ad that I have seen once or twice before. Every time I see this ad I am forced to think, "seriously?" But then I think, "Hey, maybe there's something to this." And that's when I realized that, yes, this is the man for me....


Want to marry someone extremely ugly - 26

Hey I'm willing to offer a marriage proposal to someone who is ugly, hideous, etc. Most likely you have not been on a date in your life and have given up on romance. You have never experienced what sex feels like. You were crying for many years and cursing life for not being fair. Well here's your lucky chance that you were praying for (if you are a theist that is). I thought that I would do something wonderful for a good woman. I am totally serious.

I like rock music and look like I do. There are no age limits even if you are an "old maid". E-mail me if this interests you.


Dear Mr. Wonderful,

I can't believe you wrote this letter and that *I* found it! (It's Kismet). I never thought there would be anyone out there that could be so giving and kind, let alone thoughtful. I hope that this letter will prove my sincere desire to be considered for your generous offer. I would hate to be denied the chance to be with someone like you because of a poorly written response. You sound like every woman's dream and I don't want to ruin my chances to tie myself to you for life. After all, who would want to marry a man that wanted to marry them for their personalities or attributes? You are wanting to marry a woman for her appearance, and it's a fact that every woman out there wants to be hitched to someone who only thinks about how she looks. I'm sure of it; I read it in Cosmo. Or Hustler, I can't remember. I hope the information I provide will be sufficient and that my questions aren't too invasive. I don't want to damage my chances for someone like you.

First off, how did you know I'd given up on romance? It's like you're psychic or something. (Like I said, Kismet). I don't quite fit the criteria of the whole "never had a date before," but I'm sure a few bad dates are okay. Who knew that men don't want to talk about how cute my cats are while we're having dinner? Or that I like to watch the six hour BBC version of Pride and Prejudice repeatedly while I sew outfits for my medieval reenactment group? You were also right in suggesting that I have cursed the universe for not being fair once or twice too. (Kismet). I mean, have you SEEN some of the television shows lately? Reality TV must have been created by the communists trying to destroy America. When did white-trash daughters of extremist political figures and divorced mothers of eight children become the subject of discussion? Who cares if they had a boob job or not?

You know, Mr. Wonderful, I feel so connected to you already. It's like I've known you my whole life. Like you saw into my SOUL. You knew that I have been crying for years. Did you hear my anguished sobs or something? I mean first of all, how can there be a choice between Edward and Jacob? And another thing, Vin Diesel never responded to my letters and my heart is broken! I don't understand what I wrote that was so wrong. I was honestly on the verge of joining a convent before I found your post. But then I saw your ad and I knew my prayers had been answered. (I guess that makes me a theist doesn't it?)

Before we get married though, I have to ask: how ugly are you looking for? Is this like an ugly fetish of yours? Do you have a thing for severe acne scars or extra digits or something? Or are you just looking for someone whose standards have dropped to the point of finding Flavor Flav attractive enough to fight over on national television? Because let me tell you, my standards are looooooooooooooooooooooooooooow. (I really hope you're unemployed and live in your mom's basement. SO hot). Also... you're looking for someone who's NEVER had sex? Do you *want* to have really boring intercourse? Or do you just want to seem like the most amazing sexual partner in the world? How about I just tell you I've never had sex? You'll believe it. I'm REALLY bad in bed. You can tell by watching me dance, it's like watching a baby giraffe take its first steps. And I am SURE that you will impress me, how could someone like you *not* be a stallion in bed? I mean, you *are* posting for a wife on Craigslist. Obviously you've just been too impressive for the women you meet in your day-to-day life to take seriously.

Speaking of serious, I'm glad you mentioned that you were. I am too. Let's meet at the courthouse. We can get married right there. Do you want me to wear a dress? Or maybe just a paper bag over my head. It will build up the anticipation for later on... if you know what I mean. Before I pick out my bag though, what did you mean when you said you "look like you do"? Could you look like anyone else? Are you implying that you could be a shape shifter? That is so hot.

Anyway, I'm running out of time for this whole "marriage" thing. Technically I AM an "old maid" (if we're going by victorian standards), and I'm glad you are okay with that. If I was a damsel in distress you would be the prince on a noble steed here to save me.

I'm looking forward to meeting you. You'll recognize me, I'll be the one with the club foot outside the court house wearing a Ralph's bag on my head and carrying a bouquet.



Okay... WTF?

So I'm not even dignifying this with a response. But I just had to share.

Wow. That is impressive. And creepy. And what type of "business professional" is this guy? Don't most of them like to keep their money? Did he watch too many growing up in the hood '90s movies and now desperately needs baby-mamma drama to complete his learning experience? I don't know. I just felt that you all needed to share in the joy of this post.

And just so you know I didn't actually make this up (I like to think that I would remember to capitalize all of my "I's") here's the link. You can go look for yourselves.


..Are any of you ladies pregnant or recently had a baby and the father is not around?... I am a 29 y/o very attractive white business professional male. I am looking for a female that may be pregnant recently and needs a guy to blame for the baby and claim that it is mine. I would not take a paternity test. I would accept the responsibility. If this may be you, please contact me on yahoo messenger under the name "bluefunk32us". I am real. If you do respond, please put "daddy" in the header so that I know that you are serious. Hope to hear from someone soon. This is a real ad. Looking to connect soon. I want a girl that would not mind taking me for child support... Dominant and ruthless woman are the best. You can not be afraid to make me pay. Looking for a hardcore woman...If you are out there, i am waiting. I feel men should be responsible for their mistakes. I have cum in women before and have not been held responsible....Your age or race does not matter. I am white, 6'3, brown, blue 225..please be aggressive and ready to file through the support agency. Please be a woman that knows how to take what is hers. If you have guts, please do not be afraid to contact me. Do not contact me if you are not serious.I know that you dont have time for games and neither do i. The ad is what it is. You must know the the child is mine. I will send pics to the responses that respond with pics.

Looking For Younger GF

Good Morning LJ hivemind. I'm not sure if this is going to post correctly, my computer seems to make it incredibly difficult to post today. Oh well, hopefully this will work.

It is Monday, and after an epically crazy weekend with friends (damn evil, awesome roommate pouring her drinks into my cup with me not realizing it), and I now have far too much giggle energy to burn off. So, whatever shall I do with myself?

I know!

I'll look at CL personals! And look! I found one :D


I'm good looking hard bod and horny as hell. Looking for a cute younger girl who likes sex and wants to date a more settled person who is secure in career and life. Not looking to have children. You must not be overweight. That will not do. If you like being adored and have flowers brought on a regular basis I would be the Guy. No spammers,hookers or website links. Pics please. I need a girlfriend but I'm not stupid.


Where to start? This is a masterpiece. The punctuation! The descriptions. I'm swooning over my keyboard right now.

Dear Hard Bod,

I read your CL ad this morning with great interest. As I am a cute younger girl who likes to date more settled people who are secure in career and life, I found your ad quite intriguing and would like to learn more about you. Much more in fact.

I'm sure you're aware how we younger girls are looking for old men that are horny as hell that are "good looking and hard bod." As I am selective about the "not stupid" old men I allow into my life I do have a few questions for you. I know that older men are far more experienced in the ways of the world than I am; it would be hard not to be. After all, I am just a sweet young thing that is "not overweight" and is desperately looking forward to be being brought flowers regularly by my significantly older, horny-as-hell boyfriend. I am so impressed about how you are so secure in life that you don't have to use determiners in your sentences. That is hot. Unless you really meant that you are good looking hard bod. Is that your name? I pictured you as a Tom or Henry personally. But really, it is so sexy how you break the rules of sentence structure. I can't wait to see how you respond to my letter.

It was very comforting to me that you were not looking for hookers on Craigslist. You realize they had to take that section down because of women being murdered and all, right? Well, that and hooking being illegal and all. I would've had to have been very suspicious if you were looking for prostitutes online. You could've been one of those crazy men looking for a "massage" in a seedy hotel and I would've found myself chopped up into little bits and shipped off to the black market by now. Or the white slave trade. Ugh. I would be a HORRIBLE slave. Then again, I would obviously be a horrible hooker too as I'm just going to appease my love of sex with old men for a bouquet or two here and there. Oh and being adored, can't forget that.

Speaking of being adored: would that be my definition of adored or your definition of adored? I know that when I think of being adored I think of someone being emotionally available to me and caring about my feelings while doing nice things for me and telling me how fabulous I am. You know, the normal "adoring boyfriend" things. I'm thinking your version of adoration might be slightly different than mine. I mean, your version of quality time might involve you putting a picture of me me on "Hot or Not" and then weighing me while arranging for me to get my tubes tied in order to prevent those pesky pregnancy things. I know a couple gyn surgeons, I might be able to get you a good deal.

Those questions and comments aside, I think you sound fabulous. I can't wait for you to pick me as your girlfriend and write me sweet love notes that defy all rules of sentence construction. I know it's how you show what an independent thinker you are.


Anyway, I can't wait to hear back from you. Please let me know when I should pack my g-string and teddy bear to come over to be adored by you. Should I ask my boss to write you a Viagra prescription? Or do you prefer Cialis?



aka 25 year old desperately looking to be objectified and sexually used by some nasty old man

Very Special Party???

Okay, Haven't seen this one before....


I have a few guy friends who need dates for a very special dinner party on Sat.

Of course there is no obligation to date anyone. I simply wanted to invite more single women.

The men attending are successful business owners ranging from ages 25 - 45.

This will be a chance to meet some very good friends. Please tell me about yourself and I will explain further.

Thank you



Dear Barb,

I recently read your fascinating Craigslist ad, and as I am back on the "dating market" I thought I might respond. I'm always ready to meet a successful business owner between the ages of 25-45. In fact, I am delirious with excitement over the opportunity to make "some very good friends". Thank [insert divine being here] you put this up on Craigslist. I would hate to think that these successful businessmen would have to look to shady or otherwise unknown avenues to find a date. You know the ones I'm talking about: mutual friends, legitimate dating sites, wine bars... the gym. I mean, nobody would want to meet anyone from one of those disreputable places. Craigslist is definitely the best option. It's why I'm here.

I'm very glad there's no obligation to "date" anyone. I absolutely hate going to parties with a whole bunch of people I don't know and feel like there someone there that I can go up and talk to. That's so awkward. It's much better that I just show up and stand awkwardly at the refreshment table while everyone asks each other why I'm there. I don't know about you, but I love that. It's almost like reliving a Jr. High dance all over again. Do you think you could have the DJ play Sir Mix-A-Lot? I would dig that.

Honestly Barb, I've been needing a "very special friend" as you put it. I've just been waiting for the venue to be provided for me to meet him. Maybe we could talk about his stocks, or his W-2's. That's always a point of great interest for me in selecting a "special friend." And you make it sound so much classier than a lot of the ads I've seen that just flat out say "come have sex with strangers that make lots of money and it'll be worth your while." You're classy Barb, very classy. I like that in a friend.

But in all seriousness, my excitement aside, I am very interested in joining you for your "very special party." I did, however, notice that you used some very interesting vocabulary in your ad, and I just wanted to clarify a couple things before I make any social commitments.

1) By "successful" do you mean to imply that these business owners actually make a profit with their business? Because I could throw a lemonade stand in front of my house and consider myself a "business owner" if I wanted to. How do you measure success? I suppose my lemonade stand would be a success if someone actually stopped by to buy some. As there's a lemon tree in the back yard all I'd need to do is make back the cost of the sugar and I would technically be successful in my lemonade business. Or maybe you mean to state that they are well-known and influential businessmen. Although, at the age of 25 it's a little difficult to reach that kind of status, so maybe it's a mix of both. Or are you just trying to convince us that these men are worth our time and we should come out to your "very special party?"
2) What exactly do you mean by "very special party"? Is this like some sort of code for a celebration? Is it a Bar Mitzvah? That could definitely be a "very special party". Or is this one of those other special parties? Because I'm not down for that sort of thing. I'm a good girl, and I've heard about those parties. You know, the ones where people invite a bunch of girls off the internet and then take them into the woods where no one will ever find them? I mean, I'm all for a little excitement in my life, but I think that would be a little much for me. And, just so you know, if you tried to kill me I would be very upset. I know I will survive a horror movie, I've done a lot of research on that particular subject. I mean, I know not to run up the stairs when there's a killer out there, I know not to ever ever have sex if there is creepy stuff going on around as killers are always after the sluts, and if I hit you with a large, blunt object and it knocks you down.... I will keep hitting you until you don't move anymore. Even a little bit. I just wanted to put that out there. I hate surprises, I'm sure you do too. Especially when planning a "very special party."

But, now that I've made all of that clear, I am definitely interested in your party. I think I've told you a little bit about myself as well, but I'm a huge fan of lists. So, in short:

- I'm single and "on the market"
- I would be a successful lemonade stand owner
- I don't want to attend snuff parties
- If you try to kill me I will knock you down and hit your repeatedly until I've done a large amount of damage to you
- I will not have sex with anyone if there's a killer on the loose
- I don't run up stairs if there is a killer chasing me
- I like refreshment tables at special parties

Anyway, Barb, I need to go and refill the pepper spray in my purse. I'm going to a sweet-sixteen party in a dark alley in the Tenderloin later on tonight, but I can't wait to hear back from you.



Another Craigslist Ad Response

I keep finding these random things, and with the abundance of time I've had while being under the weather for the last week or so, I've been writing responses. I think I might keep writing them, this amuses me.

 Who the hell writes this sort of thing? I mean, really? And what's worse, is that I have seen this post pop up every couple days for years. I guess he hasn't found a taker yet. But today is his lucky day.



 May I Kiss Your Beautiful Breasts

 Attractive single male seeks a female who enjoys having her breasts kissed and adored. I'd love to nurse on your nipples while you run your fingers through my hair. I am fit, sincere and nurturing. I would like to enjoy this with someone who has a beautiful personality. I love to cuddle, kiss. I am looking for a close romantic friendship so we can share this joy on an ongoing basis. I am romantic, faithful and affectionate. If you desire a loving connection please send me an email so we can get to know each other. Please be disease free like I am.


 Dear Romantic, Faithful, and Affectionate Man,

 I don't know how to express how happy I was to find your ad today while reading CL. I can't tell you how long I've been looking for an *attractive* man who wishes to kiss and adore my breasts. I always find the unattractive men on CL that are looking for breasts, but thankfully you've cleared that up for me. As a single woman with no children, or desire for children anytime soon, I have to say I am desperate for something to nurse. The fact that you are fit and nurturing as well as sincere just put the icing on this "dream man" cake. I would hate to have an out of shape man for this sort of arrangement, and I can't think of anything more nurturing for a man to do than nurse on breasts.

 I am glad you are looking for a close romantic friendship. It's so often that I find men who just try to get into my bra and leave me in the lurch. With breasts as huge and desirable as mine are, you can imagine how often it happens. But I know that you are truly interested in someone with a beautiful personality so you can share a deep and loving friendship. And the idea of this happening on a regular basis is very exciting to me. As I work at an OB/Gyn office and know how nice it is to have your breasts chafe from too much use (like pumping or nursing) I am ecstatic over this scenario. Perhaps you could forego shaving the day before we meet so you would have a nice amount of facial scruff built up. Beardburn is so hot. As for the disease free part. I am glad you mentioned it. I know there are so many diseases that one can carry around on the breasts and I would hate to catch one. I know you couldn't possibly mean STDs because you only want my breasts. Right?

 I am going to have to go now, as it is late and I need to go moisturize my breasts in preparation for our first date.

 Be well, and I look forward to our meeting.


 P.S. Please bring loofa

A letter to someone I wish I could meet

This is from a letter-writing assignment that I kind of fell off of, but it was amusing for a while. I will probably start digging around with that again at some point.


 Dear Vin Diesel,

 Wow, where do I start? I am definitely not going to wax poetic about your acting capabilities. While you've made some of my favorite movies, I still can't forgive you for The Pacifier... and well... you're really only good for one personality. But it's a personality that I find infinitely appealing. You know that whole stoic, don't need anyone, and I'll kick everyone's ass if I have to personality? It's a good personality for you. So I really can't fault you for using that to your advantage. But I have to ask... and I mean this with all the respect in the world... what were you thinking with Knockaround Guys? That was probably one of the worst screenplays ever written. You did spend a lot of time in tight t-shirts and beating up other guys though, so I'll forgive you and watch it occasionally. But really, Vin, (may I call you Vin?) I think you should consider taking up modeling as a fallback plan. Maybe topless modeling? For calendars? Or romance novel covers, I know I would put either in my bathroom.

 I have to say Vin, you are by far the most beautiful man I've had the priviledge to drool over on the television. I mean, I watched space monster movies for you, and LIKED them! I hate space monster movies. Except for Predator. I really like Predator. Although that *is* technically on Earth so I don't know if it counts. But whatever, you make space monster movies interesting to me. Normally I enjoy crappy horror movies if I'm going to watch a shit movie. But I would happily watch you drag power cells across a desert and beat up weird space aliens that see by sonar any day. You mean that much to me.

 I know most people would pick someone that made a deep impact in the world for their "someone I could meet" letter. I suppose I could say I wanted to meet the president, or Oprah, or the Dalai Lama (I think he's by far one of the top ten of people to meet), but I just couldn't decide. I mean, what would I have to talk to them about? I would find myself stammering and then walking away feeling like I'd disappointed them in some way. I would probably enjoy meeting Colbert, but I'd have to study up on the news for months before I met him. Too much studying involved. I don't want to feel like meeting someone should involve a written exam and study hall before I'm comfortable getting introduced. Although maybe he would be okay with something like Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. I could have lifelines like "phone a friend." I know I've got a few friends that could give me cues. Or maybe "facebook message a friend" since I don't have all of their phone numbers. But I'm getting off topic as I'm interested in meeting you, not Colbert. Really. You're the only one for me. I swear.

 I have to admit, I don't feel the need to study before we meet. I mean.. um..  I'm sure you're smart, I'm not doubting your intelligence. But, even with your immense cranial capabilities, I don't find you intimidating enough to send me stammering into 12 year-old-boy-land. Well, maybe in a different way. If you weren't wearing a shirt I would probably forget my name and sit there stammering about the weather in incomplete sentences. But if you were in a shirt I think we would definitely be able to talk. I mean, you played D&D (and probably still do). That's hot. Chicks dig geeks. Well, I know I do. And so do most of my friends for that matter. You probably have a comic book collection too.  Maybe you could show me your sword collection (that I'm sure you have). Er... I mean that in a totally innocent way. By sword I mean sword, I'm not hinting at... well... you know. I suppose you *might* try to show me that, but that would be a little creepy on our first meeting. I'm just not that kind of girl. Even for you.

 Whoops, there I go, I'm getting off topic again. Ahem, back to meeting you. I can't really give you any good reasons why, except I find you pretty and just want to see if you're that pretty up close. And I really was at a loss for whom I wanted to meet and you popped into my head. So there we are. I suppose this isn't the most flattering letter, but I'm sure you're tired of fawning letters anyway. Maybe I'm going for the aloof "I don't care if we meet anyway" letter (while I secretly giggle and cry like a ten year old girl watching American Idol). I hear that works well in the luring of men. Perhaps I should send myself flowers and chocolates and pretend they're from The Rock so you'll be jealous. I learned about that in Clueless... I'm positive it works.

 Anyway Vin, I look forward to meeting you, as I'm sure this incredibly flattering letter objectifying your topless physique will do the trick in my quest to finally bask in your presence. Hopefully your agent will contact me soon with our future rendezvous location. Do you think we could meet on an island? With palm fronds? Or wherever, we could always just meet for dollar PBRs at the bar down the street from my office. But they only do that certain days of the week so we'll have to plan ahead. I'm sure we'll be able to figure something out though. Until then, I will remain secure in the knowledge that you got this letter and are as anxiously awaiting our meeting as I am.

 Yours cordially,



Shaving? Really?

I wrote this a couple days ago on a Facebook Note because I was bored and playing on the internet. I forgot to repost it on here as a few of you have mentioned your amusement at my Craigslist finds...


As most of you know, I have a slightly odd habit of getting bored and digging through the internet looking for random personal ads. Don't ask me why. I can't say that I'm looking for anything to respond to. But then I saw this particular ad and felt the need to address this heartfelt and sentimental posting.


 "I Would Love to Shave You"

 Are you a single female who enjoys being pampered by a very loving single male? I would like to find a sweet sensitive female who enjoys candlelight baths and would like to be gently shaved. I will wash you, apply shaving cream slowly, then gently shave you while you have your legs spread on my shoulders. Hopefully you will find this to be a beautiful trusting experience. I will help you rediscover your sensual self in a safe loving environment. I would love to explore with you, be close friends. My tender fingers guiding you to pleasure, releasing your desires. I am offering my love and my gentleness to you if you are in need of relaxation and pleasure to escape from life's stresses.




Dear Loving, Gentle Man,

 I read your Craigslist ad this afternoon while recovering from a fun-filled weekend with my friends and I had to respond. I feel as though you read my mind and tapped into exactly what I would consider in my search for what would help me unwind and relax after a stressful day.

 When I fantasize about the man whom I'm going to allow into my life, there is nothing I am more excited about than having him join me in the bathtub with fire and sharp instruments. I often think about the potential of skipping that awkward first cup of coffee and just jumping straight into the bath. In fact, I could just send you my address and you join me at my house tonight. Maybe you could bring a loofa? Or perhaps one of those electric clippers. After reading your selfless ad, I can see that you have no ulterior motives and want nothing more than to help me relax after a long day. It is VERY relaxing to have a strange man up-close and personal with a razorblade near my *censor bar*.

 I can see that you noticed I've had emotionally traumatizing events in my life and am desperate to find someone to help me rediscover the girl that could let herself go. That girl who is ready to trust again. That girl who would meet a man off the internet and have him groom my *censor-bar* in a bathtub while my legs were on his shoulders. Given the size of most bathtubs, and the length of my legs, this would have to be a most trusting experience. I mean, I might end up submerged to achieve the proper angle for the most "relaxing" shave. If I am to be completely honest, I have to admit I'm not a small girl, and my legs are not short. In order for my dream man to properly groom me while in a candlelit bath, we might have to be sitting in a 3 inch deep "soak", or I would require a snorkle. Both are equally arousing in my mind though, and I look forward to finding out how this could be achieved. 

 I suppose, if we wanted to avoid the snorkle,  I could rest my head on the edge of the bathtub. That would result with my hair being rested near all the candles that were set up on the side of the tub, but I would know you only want to be there for me and you will keep me safe. Do you know CPR? And can you bring a fire extinguisher? I want to make sure we can achieve a safe and comfortable enviornment. With hair like mine, you can never be too careful.

 Since I have been single, I must admit I have grown fairly lax in the whole "shaving" department. Do you only offer gentle shaving for *censor bar*'s or do you do legs too? I think I could manage my own armpits, as that's fairly quick and can easily be accomplished in the shower, but if you enjoyed shaving legs as well I think we could work out an arrangement. I would even let you sit on the warm side of the bath instead of farthest away from the water spout in the back where it's tepid and shallow. I might be persuaded to let you have the bath pillow for some of the time as well.

 I am greatly looking forward to your response. I can see that we are deeply linked already, and I cannot wait to invite you into my house, and my bathtub.

 Warmest regards,


 PS... please bring bubble bath

As Phoebe woke up in the morning after having a long night of peaceful slumber, she lifted her head from the pillow and looked upon the adoring faces of her beautiful pets. "Good morning, you beautiful creatures," she crooned to them in a sing-song voice as she delicately swung her legs over the edge of the bed. The kittens muelled delicately and gazed adoringly at her glowing, well-rested face. Phoebe fed them a nutritious meal of expensive, organic cat food and swanned out of the room to prepare herself for a day of work as a savior of women from the horrible fate of gynecological problems. After Phoebe dressed herself in her most comfortable and tastefully colored work uniform she twisted her golden locks into a chignon at the crown of her head and dusted her face with powder. As she basked in the scent from her perfume bottle she took a moment to thank the world for giving her all that she had in her life.

I hit the snooze button six times this morning before I woke up 25 minutes late. I almost had a heart attack when I realized that I had to get ready and out the door in half an hour. My cats were walking all over me and crying pathetically. Chrissy nibbled on my chin and Mischka cried and cried and started clawing at something that sounded like I liked it. I pulled my rat nest of hair off the pillow and struggled to fight the damned cats off of my chest. "Why are you doing this to me you evil creatures," I cried (croaked actually), as I tried to tell myself I really could sleep in a little longer. My voice cracked like a pubescent boy, but I knew I needed to get to the office. I threw some Purina in a bowl for them and stumbled through the dark to the bathroom. After I put on my pastel-colored scrubs that were basically rectangular construction pajamas, I smashed my hair into some semblance of order (basically, a bun). I then smeared makeup over my face so it looked as though it were one color instead of a melding of thirteen splotches of red. Blindly I reached to my perfume rack, grabbed the first one I touched, sprayed myself with it, and whispered a silent prayer of thanks that I didn't spray myself with something foul.

The trip to San Francisco seemed to pass in moments, and after the train stopped at her stop Phoebe stepped off the train and glided through the gates to purchase oatmeal and coffee on the way to the office. The City was just waking up with an amazing variety of sights and smells. Phoebe eagerly took in her surroundings as she made it over the hills to work quickly and looked on in wonder at the miracles of the world. When she got to work she called out pleasant greetings to her coworkers. As her coworkers responded, she swept through the door and proceeded to set up her day in a flurry of activity. After everything was ready for the patients of the day, Phoebe sat before her computer and checked her correspondence from the evening before.
When Dr. W. arrived at work, ready for Phoebe to assist her with her patients for the day, she was shocked with the visible evidence Phoebe's dedication to the health of their patients. Dr. W. organized her files and then offered Phoebe a priceless gift of antibacterial gel in a pump dispenser. Phoebe was overcome with love and appreciation for the woman who gave her such a precious gift. She graciously accepted the gift in her voice of velvet and began to work productively and efficiently. Taken aback by the wonder that was her assistant, Dr. W. suggested that Phoebe take the rest of the day off since there was an extra assistant in the office that day. Phoebe excitedly thanked her most benevolent employer and hurried back to the train station so she could get home and enjoy an afternoon of relaxation.

I passed out on the BART on the way in to work this morning. When I got off the train at Montgomery I walked to Starbucks and got food and coffee before I walked up to the office. The City smells like a port-a-pottie on some streets in the morning before cars start driving by and I often walk fast so I can get away from the stink and bums asking for change. I guess if I slept on the street I would be awake really early too, but I get so tired of being asked for money at 7am. When I got to the office I croaked out to P. to let her know I was there. P. immediately asked, " Are you sure you are up to working today, Dear?"

I trudged around the office getting everything ready for the day and then sat down at the computer to check my e-mail. I was looking forward to seeing if some ridiculously handsome and single man (who wanted nothing more than to tell me how glorious I was and whisk me off to paradise) had e-mailed me when I'd been sleeping. No such luck in that case, but at least I got to sit down. I was very tired. When Dr. W. got into the office she heard me say one thing and immediately looked at me askance. She mentioned that I sounded ill, and when I got back to my desk I saw that she'd left a family value sized dispenser of Purelle on my desk. My laughter sounded like a barking seal and Dr. W. stepped a little further from me. When I roomed my first patient, and the patient looked at me like a leper, I realized I should probably go home. Dr. W. wholeheartedly agreed and sent me on my way with her blessings. I made it back to my BART and snoozed off-and-on all the way back to Pleasant Hill Station.

Phoebe pranced into her house to the greetings of happy mewls from her beautiful kittens. She danced around the house for a while, cleaning and shedding light on everything in her path. She started water in the kettle and sat down to complete her correspondence. After she finished all her daily writing, she decided that a bath was in order. Phoebe started to draw a bath, laid out clean towels, and turned on the radio before she slowly lowered herself into the steaming bathtub with a cup of coffee and a periodical of deep insight and wisdom. Phoebe soaked in her steamy wonderland until her hands and feet were moisturized soft. She stepped out of the bathtub and toweled herself off before dressing and returning to the living room to productively work on projects for the rest of the day.

I dragged myself into my house and started coffee. My cats whined and howled because, obviously, I had just walked through the door after being gone and that means it's dinner time. While I was waiting for the water to boil I sat on the couch and played on Facebook. I added a bunch of people I vaguely know and left obnoxious comments on people's pages. Then I played Scrabble for twenty minutes. After I made my coffee I figured I could probably unstuff my head a little bit by sitting in the steam from the bathtub. So, I grabbed an "In Shape" magazing, (which I only have because it's been mailed to me for free for the last few months) and some wrinkled towels out of the pile of clean clothes on my bed and  climbed into the tub. I put my laptop in the door so I could listen to Pandora while I soaked and attempted to open up my sinuses. When my fingers and toes were so pruned I was afraid the skin would start falling off, I climbed out of the tub, threw on some pajamas out of the same pile of wrinkled clean clothes as the towels and flopped onto the couch to eat chicken soup and play on the computer some more. Then I decided I would finally get around to my threat of writing my life as a romance novel.